Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The Young Rock God (WARNING: This contains a lot of profanity…and I mean A LOT of profanity. My mom might disown me after reading this.)

When I was in the first or second grade, I was totally into Heavy Metal. I loved Van Halen, The Scorpions, Iron Maiden, Ozzy Osborne and a lot of other Heavy Metal acts. During that same period, I was a deeply religious young lad too and often felt conflicted with the music I loved and the rumors of possible Satan worship that went along with it. I never really cared for KISS, but the possibility that KISS was an acronym for Kids In Satan’s Service scared the bejesus out of me. Contrary to KISS, I loved AC/DC, but being that their moniker was suggested to be Against Christ / Devils Control put me into a personal conflict of epic proportions.

Because I loved Heavy Metal so much, I wanted to be the next David Lee Roth. So I quickly got started on my Heavy Metal career by writing lyrics. I loved the music of Satan but wasn’t going to be lured into worshiping him. So my lyrics were a bit different. I decided to remedy this internal conflict by writing lyrics about how I felt about this eternal struggle between Good and Evil or God and Satan. Now there are actual Christian Heavy Metal bands who sing about this. I guess they may have felt the same way when they were young too or maybe they just feel that way now.

At that time I believe I wrote a ton of lyrics, but there is only one that I remember today. I remember it because much like my love for Heavy Metal and God, it was a bit of a contradiction. (Or at least back then it seemed like Heavy Metal and God contradicted each other.) Sometimes I actually find myself singing this song in my head while I’m doing chores around the house. I don’t remember what I titled it or the meat of the lyrics either. I just remember the chorus. It was “Fuck You Devil! Hell Sucks!” Basically, I would sing the “Fuck You Devil” part and right after that the imaginary band would chime in and sing the rest, kind of like this “Hellllll Suuuuooucks!” All together, sing it one time now. “Fuck You Devil. Helllll Suuuoouks!”

I thought it was kind of catchy. At the time I loved it. I was so proud of it. So much so, that I sang it to my older brother Tony, who was also into the Heavy Metal. However, if I remember correctly, he felt I needed to tone it down a bit. So he offered his suggestion of “Damn You Satan” instead of “Fuck You Devil.” I didn’t like it. I couldn’t compromise my artistic integrity and true feelings for the comfort of the masses. No siree Bob. The message was loud, clear and straight to the fuckin point. If you were offended by my words, then that was too fuckin bad. I felt like giving the Devil the fuckin finger and I was gonna fuckin do it.

Now, you’re probably wondering, why the fuck is a first or second grader using such foul language? Well, I learned these naughty words at a young age, partly because the street I lived on had lots of older kids and partly because my dad cussed like a fucking sailor. My mom would truly try to stop it. Bless her heart. But it didn’t matter what the punishment was, I would still cuss a lot. Those naughty words where like gold to me. I didn’t care how much Zest or Dial went into my mouth. I was not about to give up the F word for anyone or for any reason. It just sounded so fucking cool. Sadly, I have yet to be completely cured of my potty mouth. I will often hear my wife Janie say “Erik! Filter!” when she hears me use them during a conversation. Old habits are hard to fuckin break.

When I think back to when I was that young, it cracks me up. It wasn’t just me who was into the Heavy Metal. The neighborhood kids loved it too. We didn’t want those cream puffs Tommie Tutone, Rick Springfield or Toto. We wanted our music to have some motha fuckin balls. We wanted Ronnie James Dio, Judas Priest and Krokus.

Often, we would play air band to Van Halen in the garage too. I of course would play the part of Diamond Dave, Tony would be Eddie, Aaron Walsh would be Michael Anthony and David Mesic would be Alex. We would make guitars out of cut up card board boxes and plastic wiffle ball bats. Mesic’s drum set was actually made out of floor jacks and not so cut up card board boxes. I remember pissing Mesic off once attempting a Diamond Dave jump, because I landed on his drum set and broke it all up. Fucking cry baby.

Back when I was first dating Janie, she found some evidence of my dream of being a rock star. The evidence was in the form of a stack of my second grade pictures. They were all autographed by yours truly. Shit, my imagination back then was boundless. I often wish I could tap into that kid, because he was fucking funny. I guess that’s why I still find myself singing that lyric in my head. The boldness of it cracks me up, but the honesty and the innocent ignorance still makes me fucking smile.

“Fuck You Devil! Hellll Suuuoouks!”