Back in June of 2017 I decided to take a motorcycle course. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always had some sort of interest in motorcycles. I remember as a kid checking out a book from the library about motorcycles. It was pretty much a history picture book. I was fascinated by the evolution of this vehicle.
As a teen, I wanted to get a Vespa like some of my friends had, but my parents forbade it. My mom would call them murdercycles and my dad, who had a Lambretta as a young adult, was frightened at the thought of one of his kids wrecking one due to oil slicks and other road hazards that he commonly encountered when he rode. I understood their fears and took them seriously. However, that did not prevent me from jumping on one of my friend’s scooters a couple of times.
My friend Doug had this little Honda Spree. I remember asking if I could ride it and he let me. We were in his backyard on the grass. My feet were on the ground and I turned the throttle as if I were in some sort of race. The scooter came up from under me and before I knew it, the front wheel was above my head. The ground ripped off the license plate. The Spree bounced on the rear tire a few times before it came crashing down onto its side after I let the throttle go. I was surprised that Doug ever let me on any of his two-wheeled vehicles again, but then maybe he did not know about the second time.
My second attempt came on Super Bowl Sunday 1990. It was the 49ers against the Bengals in Super Bowl XXIV. I had just recovered from a bout with chickenpox, so my body had little dried up spots all over. We watched it at my friend Chris’s house. Since his parents were out of town, it was the perfect place for all of us to watch the game. During the halftime show, which featured characters from the Peanuts comic strip, I took Doug’s scooter on a little ride. I wonder if he knew. I knew I was probably missing a dazzling halftime show, but that scooter was calling my name. I put on the helmet and took it for a spin around the block.
Because it was Super Bowl Sunday, there were no cars on the street. It was the perfect and probably the safest time for me to ride it around the block. I do remember loving it, but being scared shitless at the same time. The loop I took was large and all right turns.
The first major street was Workman, then I made a right on Citrus. I took Citrus under the freeway and continued to Cortez. I took Cortez to Hollenbeck and somewhere on Hollenbeck a cop car started following me. If my senses weren’t already heightened enough, now I had a freaking cop following me. I knew I had to keep my cool and act like there was nothing unusual about what I was doing.
I kept the speed limit and when Workman came up, I made another right and headed to Chris’s street. The cop tailed me all the way to Chris’s driveway but he passed it at a snail's pace. I parked the scooter and walked into the house as if I did that every day. When the door closed behind me, I felt all the energy leave my body. I went to the couch and melted into it. That was the last time I road any two-wheeled motorized vehicle.
Through the years, my interest would grow, but so would my excuses. In college, my interest turned to Cafe Racers. I thought they were the coolest. I wanted a Triumph Bonneville, but I was still under my parent’s thumbs, so that was not going to happen. At that time, I had more important things to do than learning to ride a motorcycle too.
When I got out of college, I did not have the parking space for a motorcycle. It just was not practical. What was I going to do when it rained. How was I going to carry groceries and other items around? When I got married, we had the space, but not the wife’s permission. After the divorce, the practicality part reared its head again. However, after a few years, I had the space again.
With the realization that I had the space, there were no more excuses. I decided to take the class. If I enjoyed it, I would get one. If I did not, I would not get one. It was simple as that.
Before the course, I started studying up on the motorcycle. Youtube is full of great stuff on that. So when the first class began, I would have a bit of a head start. I was an anxious padawan. The classroom session pretty much reinforced what I had been studying. I was particularly fascinated with the countersteer. It was just hard to comprehend pushing the bar right to go right. The physics made sense, but I still had trouble conceptualizing it. I knew it was one of those things that I can study and study, but not fully understand unless I do it. That scared me.
It was a Saturday morning and my first time riding since my last experience was about to happen. My memory of Doug’s scooter coming up from under me was in the forefront of my thoughts. Even though these bikes were 250s with not enough power to weight ratio to do that, the thought of a repeat was there. Thankfully they started us out real slow, so that thought vanished and my confidence grew.
The bike I was on was a P.O.S. Yamaha V-Star 250. Its brakes screeched and sometimes I would have to bang the shifter into gear. It was a real pain in the ass to ride. The instructors were pretty good and stayed on us.
During some of the maneuvers, I would lose my control due to losing focus on the target. The instructors would often make gestures to get my attention, but if I turned my head, I would lose the target and ride off course. It happened few times. I started to rely on my peripheral vision and eyeball movement a lot more. This would help me stay on target, while keeping tabs on the instructors' gestures and where they were standing. My nose would be on target, while my eyeballs moved.
They, of course, would emphasize countersteering, but it was still hard to understand at the speed which we were riding. I had a good understanding of emergency maneuvers, but that damn countersteer still escaped me.
I passed the course and all I needed to do now was take the written exam for the license, so I made an appointment with the DMV. The earliest opening was August 21, so I took it. I hate lines and it gave me plenty of time to study the booklet.
Monday, August 21st arrived and I took the day off to take my exam. It so happened that the time of my appointment was during the solar eclipse. As I missed the solar eclipse, I waited inside for my number to be called. The gentlemen next to me struck up a conversation with me about a dog which a woman brought into the DMV. He was telling me all sorts of things about dogs. I asked if he was a dog trainer. He replied no and that he worked with them in prison. I asked how long ago was that. “Last week” he replied. The DMV is the great equalizer.
My number was called and it was my turn to take the test. The last time I took an exam at the DMV was 1990 after my last scooter ride. This time, the exam was on a touchscreen. I took it and passed it. Then something happened that I was not prepared for, it prompted me to take the exam to renew my regular driver’s license. I did not study for that. The thought of failing that exam really scared me, but I passed. The good news was, now I did not have to take it in January.
Now all I needed to do was get a bike. I admit, I procrastinated. I was scared. I purchased the helmet and jacket, but not the bike. From all the studying up on motorcycles I knew the Ninja 300 was a good beginner bike. From shopping around, its reputation as a good beginner bike gave it a solid resale value. This was odd, considering most new bikes drop drastically in value after they are sold.
Now it was October and I was suffering from paralysis by analysis. I was also rusty so I took a couple of private riding courses I found on Craigslist. This time the bike was a Ninja 250 and its response was so much better than that P.O.S. V-Star. After riding that bike I knew I needed to learn on a Ninja 300. I saw a deal for a brand new 2016 Ninja 300 that I could not pass, especially since used ones were selling at that same price.
It arrived on the last Friday in October and I was mortified. I thought, what the hell have I done? I have to admit, I did have some initial buyer’s remorse. I then thought that I may as well put it to good use and just take my time getting to know it, so I forced myself to ride it. I was struck with fear when I would start it up and while I road it. However, I found that the toughest part about riding it was taking the key out of the ignition when I was done. It was scary, but I was drawn to it.
I started looking for quick destinations to go to and over time those distances would grow along with my skill level. The nice thing about the Mira Mesa part of San Diego is that it has a lot of straightaways and curves. It’s a great place to learn. I finally started to understand the countersteer. When I found myself going wide in a curve, I would point my nose where I wanted to go and push the bar in that same direction. The bike would then tighten into the direction I needed to go. My confidence in the bike grew.
Along this little journey, something happened. I noticed that when I would be done riding, I would have the biggest grin on my face. At first, I really did not understand why other than it’s fun. Then it hit me. For years I have been trying to meditate, but I just cannot sit still. It’s insanely challenging for me. Riding requires a lot of focus on your actions and surroundings, because you are constantly towing the line between catastrophe and control. When you meditate, you focus on your breathing for a given amount of time. The only mental difference between meditating and riding is what you focus on. It’s about being in the present.
After riding, my temperament is relaxed. I can take on curveballs at work and in life with a much more stride. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I was actually happy during the Christmas season, normally I am not. I am usually stressed out and not in a good mental place. I am now more scared of being complacent while riding my bike, because I do not want to lose this positive meditative bi-product, and of course, I don’t want to crash.
Speaking of crashing, no, I did not crash. I do think about it though. I am constantly being reminded of people who crashed and died on their bikes. Family and friends always bring it up. I may see that same painful fate. However, I was dying slow a death through a painful existence before I had this machine. I will take happiness and a painful fate any day over that painful existence. Maybe I am speaking too soon, but I am feeling that this bike is saving my life. It may kill me in the long run, but it is saving me now.
Rewind to a couple of years ago, I was not in a good mental place. Long story short, the psychiatrist prescribed Lexapro to me for my depression. The side effect was complacency. It made me numb. I wasn’t facing what was making me depressed. I also found myself drinking way more than I used to. The craving I had for alcohol was like no other craving I had for it before. I did not like that and I did not like just existing. That is no way to live.
I never craved alcohol like that before Lexapro. I needed to face what’s ailing me, not glaze over it, so in the latter half of 2016 I started taking myself off of Lexapro. The withdrawals were insanely painful and it took me about 3 months to fully withdraw from Lexapro. After that, I swore off any more SSRIs. I don’t see how they prescribe that shit when they cannot even test serotonin levels. The method is to keep prescribing a different SSRI until one sticks. Well, I am not a guinea pig, so I started looking for alternative treatments that I can control. I was more open to holistic methods. They may just provide a placebo effect, but nobody ever had too much trouble withdrawing from a placebo.
One method I was drawn to was meditation. Again, I found it very tough to meditate. One reason why is I have this need to be constantly moving. I found occasional success, but without consistent success, there was little motivation for me. It’s hard for me to sit still. This is why the motorcycle works so well for me. Technically I may be moving at a fast rate, but my body is still and my mind is focused. Like I said before, the only difference between a sit-down meditation and riding a bike, is what you focus on.
I do not think that I am out in the clear when it comes to my depression and I don’t think I will ever be. I suffered from it my whole life. Depression is all I have known. It’s just that depression gets stronger with age. That being said, riding has been considerably more effective than anything I used or did before.
