Thursday, December 20, 2012

Confusion and Avoidance in Palm Springs.

Fear and Loathing in Palm Springs? Not really. It was more Confusion and Avoidance. An overly aggressive inebriated woman attacked my Japanese com-padre at some chic establishment christened Lulu. The cunning Japanese black belt was no match for her large slobbering lips and strong arms. I felt sorry for the poor fellow. With that sight of him struggling in the corner of my eye, all I could do was look the other way and hope that the problem would go away.



It didn't. In fact, the problem plopped herself right in between me and the black belt and asked me how her breast felt up against the back of my arm. To which I responded, “fine?” “Fine” was the magic word that unlocked this sultry oversexed hunk of burning love to launch her huge flapping lips into my face. I was trapped between her and an invisible barrier of scorn from my fellow patrons. My Taoist instinct of ignoring the problem and hoping it would go away was not working. How did I get to this moment?

We should have bought those women some drinks at the other bar. If we did, the possibility of being attacked by that debaucherous wreck would have been lower. I guess our sun drenched brains weren't thinking too clearly now that they've been dehydrated with the nectar of the monks.

We spent most of that day at the Chuckwalla Valley Raceway watching a marathon of dressed up decadent cars parading around the track like a bunch of made up old whores begging for attention. It was quite a hodgepodge of lemons from all walks of life and corners of the western world paying homage to an assortment of products and lifestyles.



The scent of gas and tires was in air. With a rebel flag waving behind us, we sat in the stands and watched these cars fight for space. As we sat in the bright desert sun, the black belt and I drank beer from a miniature keg, which was immersed within a rolling cooler. It was a beautiful day for racing.



In the distance we would see indications of cars having trouble staying on the track. These little lateral plumes of dirt would move about like burrowing gofers making their way across the horizon. A little flag of yellow would then come out and wave until the dust settled and the car was back on the track or until the life guard was able to rescue it from out of the chaos. After spending hours observing this race against time, the sun was nearing its descent and we decided to head back to the hotel in Palm Springs.

The gentleman behind the counter of the hotel must have thought of us as a cute couple wanting to experience the not so straight aspect of Palm Springs, because he flirted to the point of cutting our hotel rate in half. I didn't think being friendly to the guy would put us in any danger either considering the safety lock on the hotel door generally serves as a good deterrent from any unwanted thrill seekers. He did seem a little disappointed when I answered “two,” after he asked if we wanted one or two beds.

The suite was bigger than my one bedroom apartment, and it had a bath and shower. The shower was the only one that got used though. We both got cleaned up and went out for something to fill our empty stomachs.

Sushi and Sake was on the menu at a little place that smelled of old carpet. The dark green ambiance felt like it hadn't been renovated in years, but I wasn't going to say that to the old man with a knife behind the bar. A couple of warmed bottles and a few plates later, the black belt and I were sufficiently satisfied. Off we went to our second stop.

At the second establishment the black belt and I sat at the bar in this exterior seating area that resembled a street in a small Spanish town. The walls were towering. The bartender was juggling bottles and pouring mixed concoctions like a circus acrobat. He could star in a half time show of a local community college basketball game if he had the craving to. We desired beer and he brought some to us.

After a couple of beers, I needed to break the seal. Doing so I discovered the urinals at this fine establishment where filled with ice cubes and melting the ice cubes became a worthy challenge. The restroom was a bit cramped and had barely enough space for the attendant servicing the room. Why was he even there? Quite frankly in the overall scheme of things I have to question the point of having a restroom attendant. Why would anyone want to be one and why would anyone want them in restroom when they’re going about their business? I am quite confident the words “I am glad there is a restroom attendant” have never been spoken without a hint of sarcasm.

A while after making ourselves comfortable on the stools a couple of young dark haired women sat catty-corner from us. The one furthest from us had short hair and looked as if she may have gotten herself into trouble times before and the one closet had longer hair and looked like she was the protector. The longer haired one looked a bit seasoned to her friend’s troubles. She’s been in the troublesome situations before and wasn't in the mood for anymore nights of drama. However if the approach was correct, she’d be willing to compromise her hardened stance.

We never approached. We cowered like little boys at a junior high dance. All it would have taken was a purchase of a drink and we would have known each other’s intentions. But alas, they left us there at the bar. Were they tired of waiting for us? We will never know. Learn and move on, and move on is what we did.

Onto the strip we walked in hopes of seeing that dark haired duo. We passed by a bar where a screeching rendition of Guns and Roses “Sweet Child O’Mine” was being preformed by a drunken blonde. There were no dark haired duos in that bar either. Like most missed opportunities, it was destined to not be revisited.



We came across a brightly lit blinding white blank canvas of a restaurant. The outer wall was open to take in the night air. There were two seats available at the island bar in the middle of the room and we took them. Sitting next to us was a man and a woman. The woman, Rebecca, claimed the man to be her brother and that they were celebrating his birthday. The black belt and I ordered a couple of beers and made friendly conversation with the two.

Only a few seconds into the conversation and Rebecca revealed herself to be a drunken sex crazed maniac. Her initial attack on the black belt didn't seem to faze her brother because I could hear him continue to talk while I was looking the other way in order to give the black belt and her some privacy.

The brother continued to make conversation while she tried to plop her big lips on me. She would go back and forth between the black belt and me as if we were two cones of ice cream. It wasn't until her phone began to buzz that she decided she had enough ice cream. She reluctantly answered the call from who she mentioned to be her boyfriend. I almost yelled out, “She’s ready for you!” in hopes that he would hear it on the other side of the line. I declined to do so out of fear his presence might escalate the mayhem.

She slammed the phone down and announced her hatred for her boyfriend and that she had to part ways. Of course this would not happen without some more goodbye kisses. While she kissed her goodbye to the black belt I tried to start a conversation with two female members of AARP, but they wanted nothing to do with me and my seedy lifestyle and took on my strategy of looking the other way.

While getting ready to leave Rebecca turned her attention to her brother by grabbing his arm and trying to gently pull it out of his socket. It wasn't until that moment that the bartender decided looking the other way was a poor strategy and eighty-sixed Rebecca from Lulu, but Rebecca wasn't gonna go without a fight.

I took the situation as an opportunity to avoid the possible danger of being victimized by collateral damage and excused myself to go to the restroom. The black belt followed suit. I think it was the first time in our lives that we both went willing to the restroom with another man. But there was no restroom to be found in the direction we went. The waitress pointed us to where it was. For a brief moment we feared the path led past Rebecca, but to our relief the kind waitress showed us a slight detour to our destination.

We made it there without any problems and waited inside till we felt the coast was clear. The black belt and I emerged from the restroom and went back to the bar next to her brother. The manager came out and apologized for the fracas with a $25 voucher for both of us to share and “to be used on another day.” We accepted his offering of peace, and ordered a couple of more drinks.

There were no plans of coming back in the near future. So the black belt and I promptly gave the voucher to her brother and said happy birthday. After receiving our gift of mercy her bother then informed us that he wasn't her brother and Rebecca scared off the people who occupied the seats before we did. Of all the words that came out of his mouth while the black belt and I were being assaulted, not one of them was “run!” He did tell us he was gay and kept reminding us that it was his birthday in hopes that we would go back to his place to celebrate. We already gave him a gift. So we finished our drinks and left for our suite. The day was over.

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